The Moments that change you…

     There are certain moments that human beings encounter that change their entire life. While some encounter love, others encounter death. Unfortunately, the moment that completely changed my life falls in the latter category.

      I was 15 years old when my life completely changed. Before we get to what happened, it’s best if you get to know me a little better. I come from a middle-class family which included my mom, dad, brother, and myself. Like many middle-class families, my dad was the breadwinner of the family and my mom was the housewife. My brother was 5-years older (too cool for a little kid like me) and my dad was almost always tired after work, I invariably spent most of my time hanging out with my mom. The first time mom and I ever saw a movie together was back in January 2011 (don’t even bother asking what the movie was, it was super lame) as my dad was in France for a business tour and my brother was in a hostel for his college.

     The day my dad returned from his business tour is a day I will always remember, not because of the chocolates he got me for me but because this was the first time my mom started acting weird. My mom finished her dinner and roamed all around the house with her plate as she could not keep it in the sink. Every night, she would use the landline to contact my brother to check up on him. However, on that particular night, she couldn't call him because she struggled to remember his phone number (which was astonishing and scary for me). I was terrified and I told my dad that we had to take her to the hospital. My dad said that I needn’t worry and that everything was alright. He asked me to go to my room and continue with my study. I remember calling up my friend, who was also my classmate and telling him everything that had happened. I considered him to be some sort of expert as he was studying biology (yes, I was a naive little kid). He also asked me not to worry and to sleep it off. The next morning, I asked my dad if everything was okay and he said that he would take my mom to the hospital later in the day. He asked me to get ready for school and not to worry about anything. As I was having my breakfast, I saw my mom move uncontrollably on the bed. I called my dad and soon realized that she was having a stroke. My dad took her to the hospital immediately and I was asked to go to school. Scared and speechless, I sat on my usual bench. I couldn’t understand anything the teachers were saying. I didn’t know why I was in school and not at the hospital. After school, I rushed to the hospital and soon understood the problem my mom was going through. The doctor said that her bloodstream had lost fluidity due to which a blood clot had formed in her brain. The swelling from the blood clot was puncturing the nervous system in her brain which led to immobility, loss of memory, and other dysfunctions. 

      Soon, all my relatives came to support my dad and to ensure that I continued my normal routine. I didn’t know why everybody was serious as I believed that nothing would happen to my mom;  once the doctors finished the surgery, my mom would come back home and cook my favourite aloo parathas (still the same naive little kid). While I continued with normal life, my mom was in the hospital for 10 days. I still clearly remember day 9. I was participating in my school’s sports day and my dad called me to the hospital. I took a bus and rushed over to the hospital. I saw my dad and my brother sitting down, looking upset. I asked them if I could see mom and they told me that the surgery had just finished and that I could see her from the outside. I can never forget that moment, the moment I saw my mom covered in bandages and patches, I thought to myself that there was nothing left of her. I knew that there was no soul and that that was just a dead body with a dying heart. I returned to the waiting area and cried having lost hope that she’d never come back. Eventually, I was asked to go home and sleep. The next morning, I woke up to see my relatives hanging their heads and crying. I enquired what had happened and my dad told me that my mom had passed away the previous night. My first reaction was ‘Okay’ and then I called up my friend to tell him the same. He rushed over to console me but I was in a state of shock not knowing how to react. I didn’t know what death meant until I saw her body. The moment I saw her dead, lifeless body lying in the same hall where we used to eat and watch television I burst out in tears. I was crying in sadness, anger and agony. I thought to myself, ‘How could she just leave me behind like that?’ When my brother tried to console me, all I could say was ‘When you went to college we all came and dropped you to your hostel. I wanted her and everyone to come and drop me off at my hostel too’. That day, all my friends and classmates had come over. Everybody tried to sympathize with my pain but I couldn’t stop crying nor could I stop thinking of all the things that would no longer be a reality for me. I knew that now I would have to go back to the house and there would be nobody to nag me, teach me, scold me, sometimes hit me and cook for me. Even though everything had changed, my dad and brother always took care of me and ensured that I would continue to live my life to the fullest. It’s been 9 years since that incident, my only regret was that I never actually told her how much she meant to me and how much I actually loved her. I learnt the meaning of being kind and home (a family) from her unconditional love.

       There were several changes within me after her death and it took me a while to understand them. I learnt that I never wanted to get attached to anyone as I feared the worst. I learnt that happyness is not something we need to search for, it’s something you’ve had all along. I learnt that humour became my defence mechanism for any unpleasant situation. I learnt to appreciate the little things in life by being kind to others around me.

                                                                                

                                *In the loving memory of Anuradha Ravi - A wife, a mother, a sister, a chef, a teacher and a friend*

          As always, the song I would dedicate for this post is: Luka Chuppi by A.R Rahman